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When I started working for English Blinds, I didn’t have any strong opinions about blinds of any type, and assumed that those who did (usually those in the blinds trade) were… Well, anoraks.
Whilst this latter is still true, I’m now one of them (“you aren’t in the traffic jam, you are the traffic jam…”) and in the vanishingly unlikely event that I ever end up appearing on Mastermind, vertical blinds would probably be my specialist subject.
They’re also something of a problem child in the PR stakes; they’re the blinds that, were they my colleagues as opposed to my stock, would be the ones that are always accused of having eaten someone else’s Twix even if they weren’t even in the building at the time that said Twix disappeared.
For this reason, I’ve found myself defending vertical blinds/boring the snot out of virtual strangers and would-be customers more times than I can count in an attempt to rectify said image problem and to help said blinds to score a date with a window near you.
Now, whilst I consider myself to be a reasonably solid marketing pro/copywriter, I also know my own limitations; blinds of any type are not, and never will be, sexy per se.
There’s a reason that we don’t advertise them in the same way as luxury cars and expensive perfume; that reason is firstly that we don’t have the budget, but secondly, because you can’t make something into something that it’s not; even if the original “something” is actually perfectly good in its own right.
Vertical blinds can be, however, kind of moderately hot in a well-presented, understated kind of way; plus they have great personalities and are even a relatively cheap date too, which is always an important factor for me when it comes to turning a right swipe into a drinks meet.
Anyway. As part of my ongoing campaign to get vertical blinds more phone numbers at the club, this blog post will share six super-geeky facts about them without, if I pull it off, boring the crap out of you in the process.
1. They’re tall, dark (or light if you want) and handsome
Vertical blinds can be made in taller/longer and wider sizes than literally any other type of window blinds. Because they hang in individual vertical louvres, they’re lightweight and ergo, are not impractical to package/ship past a certain size, nor too heavy for the wall/window/average person to support while hanging.
This means that when it comes to patio doors, French doors/windows, and any other type of outlandishly large window, vertical blinds will probably be your best or often, only choice.
I don’t mean this in an “only gets dates with windows because they’re the last blinds on earth” kind of way, but because if you could/did somehow patchwork up a number of other blinds or get bodge-y about things for a really long or wide window, it would probably look hella ridiculous and send your double glazing running straight into the louvres of a nice vertical as a result.
Also, the “handsome” part – vertical blinds have suffered from something of an image problem in the past, as I alluded to earlier.
Said perceived image problem is essentially that verticals used to look outdated/old-fashioned/office-y (the TV show or the workplace, either works) in the modern world.
However, verticals have most definitely gone through a significant glow-up in the last decade, with updated header rail styles, a wider and better range of fabrics and materials from which they can be made, and a very broad and diverse range of fabric colours and patterns (light, dark, and everything in between) now available.
2. They’re the only blinds that hang vertically, because they just like colouring outside of the lines
Describing someone as a “Barbie” or these days as a “Karen” (feel bad for anyone actually called Karen, but still, funny) results in almost instant recognition of what you’re dealing with with no explanation required for most folk; and the same is true of vertical blinds.
The clue is in the name, obviously; vertical blinds hang vertically, while literally all other flavours of blinds hang horizontally. This also means that while horizontal blinds open from bottom to top/up and down, vertical blinds open side to side. This in turn means that you have a variety of options for how you can have them made in terms of their opening moves.
Verticals can dress to the left, or the right – the stack of louvres opening to one side or the other of your choice. You can also have them made to meet and part in the centre like curtains, so that you get a stack of louvres of equal sizes on both sides of the window.
3. …Which means they’re total marriage material if you’re not keen on dusting
The whole “hangs vertically” thing isn’t just a design gimmick or a style thing; I wasn’t being strictly honest when I implied that the only reason for vertical blinds’ verticality was because they like to think of themselves as quirky.
Whilst I’m not 100% sure on the veracity of the claim, it is widely accepted that the inventors of vertical blinds (two brothers with the surname “Bopp,” which I’m sure had some disadvantages for them when it came to not getting bullied in school) designed them specifically to negate or at least, greatly reduce their dust-gathering abilities compared to other blinds.
Some window blinds have a greater love of dust than others; and the more horizontal bits they have, the more of a massive crush on them dust will have.
This means that if left in situ with the slats aligned horizontally for long periods of time, Venetian, wood, and faux-wood blinds will soon sport a lovely new fur coat, as will the pleats of a Roman blind. Roller blinds aren’t soooo bad in this respect as they only have the bottom “shelf” formed by their rod for dust to socialise on.
Vertical blinds, on the other hand, don’t have any seats left in the cinema for dust and its pals to get comfortable on, which means that if you’re totally not into dusting, verticals should be top of the list of your window’s potential future life partners.
4. They’re the “until death do us part” type of blinds
I’m not kidding when I say that vertical blinds take the whole “until death do us part” thing literally. Whilst you might decide to trade them in for a younger model when you redecorate or simply get bored of their continued presence in your life, vertical blinds are almost certainly the longest-lived of all types of window blinds when it comes to well made, made-to-measure ones.
This does rely on them being used in the appropriate environment (no swimming for non-waterproof models, and no being repeatedly yanked about for the non-childproof models – this latter being all of them, everything has its limits). Also, being operated in the normal fashion with moderate care; for instance, no swinging from the blinds (keep that for the chandelier).
As is the case with anything/anyone, exactly how long a set of vertical blinds might survive for in good working and cosmetic order can be variable. We and all of the other reputable vertical blind manufacturers we know expect them to live for at least a decade, but cheap/readymade options might be dead inside of a couple of years.
At the upper limits, I know for a fact that some of the vertical blinds that we made back in the late 80s when we first started out in the business are still in use and working, in both homes and workplaces.
I mean, I say that “we” made them, by this I mean English Blinds, the company as a whole. I was still in school in the late 80s. Primary school at that, I might point out.
5. …And this has caused them to become the victim of unfair negative stereotyping
I feel like I should stop highlighting the historical image problem that vertical blinds have sometimes suffered from lest it results in a “no smoke without fire” kind of judgement being made.
However, I do feel obliged to point out that it is the sheer longevity that vertical blinds can achieve with a healthy diet and regular exercise that has in fact, caused or at least greatly contributed to the misapprehension that they look out of date and kind of square.
A vertical blind of legal drinking age or above might have its longevity and ergo, quality and reliability going for it, but a blind of this sort of age and obviously, significantly older is highly likely to look out of date and yes, kind of unfashionable in the present day.
This is true for human fashion too; well, until around 25 years have passed since its origins, when it’s apt to become cool again in short order. This latter sadly doesn’t hold true for blinds – if a blind is ancient, it’s going to look out of date and possibly awful just because of it.
This is particularly true for vertical blinds that predate the smoking ban in the homes/workplaces of smokers, which will often have developed a distinctive shade of jaundice and the smell of a coughed-up lung to match, both of which tend to linger forever, regardless of the fact that the smoking ban in the UK is now in its 15th year.
This, to me, is the greatest travesty visited upon vertical blinds and their reputation; they are in this way a victim of their own success/quality if you will, as the fact that vertical blinds older than even “geriatric millennials” (this is apparently what we’re calling the earlier/older millennials these days, much to my horror) can still be found in situ and in good working order even now should be a point in their favour.
Yet the fact that they’re still sporting early 80s fashion and listening to New Wave has effectively led to their nieces and nephews from post-2010 onwards being tarred with the same neon-shell suit-clad brush.
6. And finally: Cats love vertical blinds (this is not a good thing)
Finally then; cats. I love cats. All cats. Cute floofy snuggly cats, ancient scabby three-legged dragon-breathed bitey cats that would claw through your hands as soon as look at you; never met a cat I didn’t like, including the one that bit me so hard it left a tooth in my finger. Big cat fan, me.
I’m north of 40, single, and heavily into cats; perhaps this is why the unfair stereotyping of vertical blinds resonates so strongly with me. Anyway. I love cats, I also have a bit of a crush on vertical blinds, and cats absolutely love vertical blinds. Surely then, this is a me/cat/blinds match made in heaven? No.
You might fairly assume that I have a house full of vertical blinds and strongly advocate for any cat owner to buy the same; but you would be wrong.
The fact that cats (many cats, probably not all of them) love vertical blinds is actually perhaps the only good reason that I can think of that should give anyone who owns a cat pause (paws, lololol) when it comes to adding vertical blinds to their shortlist on The (window) Batchelor.
In fact, I’ve actually offered to take Batman (my cat, not actual Batman, though I suspect he could help too) into work on more than one occasion, to allow him to add his efforts to the R&D team’s destruction testing endeavours.
Huh? Why? What’s the deal?
Vertical blind louvres are weighted at the bottom, and as Bat tells me, these weights are apt to sway ever so slightly in a light breeze in a very aesthetically pleasing manner that also triggers one’s hunting instincts and so, requires immediate pouncing.
Also, the weighted louvres are all connected and kept together at the bottom by a light beaded chain, which in and of itself, has more appeal for many cats than an unsupervised Christmas tree covered in expensive glass ornaments.
Bonus points: vertical blind louvres are easier to climb (for cats, not people) than any other type of blind aside from Romans, this latter not having the added enticement of swaying weights and chains to gain the cat’s attention and hold them in thrall in the first place.
I’m not saying that you definitely cannot/should not get vertical blinds if you have a cat; particularly if said cat is elderly, sedentary, or well, normal and not an idiot.
However, if you too have the type of cat that starts answering to “GET OFF THE TREE” at Christmas, consider this to be a sort of litmus test that may indicate a similar propensity on their part to swat louvres, test out their rappelling skills, or try to walk off with the connecting chain in their mouths several times a week.
Stick to a nice safe horizontal blind instead…
