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I’m not entirely sure that there was ever a time when socks with sandals were actually cool or even ok; but if there was, well, that time is Not Now.
Anyway, there’s a reason why I’m known by the other members of my coven as “the judgemental one,” as you may have already realised if you’ve read my prior blog post.
With this in mind, today I’m going off at five more design elements that are (in my opinion) deader than socks with sandals and so, ready to style nothing more than the inside of the bin.
Geometric shelving
Geometric shelving, usually finished in either rose gold or a brassy gilt effect of paint over plastic or cheap wire, and that has already begun to flake off before it goes on sale, is fully over.
They’ve actually not been adorning the shelves of Wilko, B&M et.al for that long, but it’s the fact that they are always so poorly finished and cheap-looking that has killed this one for me.
As mentioned, plasticky-looking finishes and horrendous-looking “the low cost of this item was made possible courtesy of child labour soldering” are largely what’s giving me the eye-tick here.
I might give good quality goods in this style a pass; if I’d ever actually seen any.
(Fake) marble
Fake marble! Oh my life. I remember a time when fake marble was used for worktops (I basically just told you I was an 80s child) and it used to be at least passable for the real thing, other than being somewhat incongruous in a two-bedroom terraced house in Dudley.
Today’s fake marble though is literally plastic; fake marble might even be paying it a compliment when a more appropriate explanation would be “marble patterned.” It’s on everything from trays to file folders that are purely ornamental because who keeps paperwork anymore, and is often paired with geometric patterns because GAH.
Fake succulents
Succulents. I love succulents, because they’re proof that anyone can keep a plant alive with the minimum of effort, even me. They’re the lowest maintenance of plants in the world (I’ve killed air plants, which to be clear, are plants that live on air, they don’t even need soil).
So FAKE succulents, what even is that? Dusting the sodding things is literally harder work than giving water to a real succulent every six weeks or so. It’s not just lazy, it’s confusing, as fake succulents are immediately identifiable as fake, and yet are higher maintenance than the real thing.
“Gold” pineapples
The history of why pineapples were at one point (like historically, not like in the 2018 resurgence sense) considered to be status symbols is actually quite an interesting one; and it largely pertains to how expensive, challenging, and time-consuming they are to grow.
Back in the 1700s and 1800s, the type of folk that we now see only on Bridgerton (albeit I’m assuming that they spent more time dressed back in the day itself) used to gift their other fancy mates with pineapples, to show how rich and fancy they all were.
Said pineapples would then be displayed in pride of place for the admiration of callers until far beyond the point that if you actually ate them they’d taste fizzy and slightly off.
Full disclosure, I actually thought that the whole pineapple ornament thing was hilarious at first, because have you ever seen a more ridiculous-looking fruit? I was sort of on board with it a “lol history AMIRIGHT” way that I’m hoping that all of the cool kids were too.
That was even the case when they hit the shelves of TK Maxx en masse in the form of basically plaster of Paris covered in gold paint, because to me, the whole “laughing at history and also, oneself by buying this crap” thing still felt strong.
Then I realised that people were buying them earnestly, and I washed my hands of the whole thing and pretended it had never happened.
Feature walls
Finally, feature walls. That one wall of your main room, which is painted a totally different colour to the rest of the walls, or that you’ve wallpapered all on its own with something bang on trend at the time, but that is unlikely to age well.
Plot twist; the whole thing hasn’t aged well, it’s over, throw it out.
To be fair feature walls have had a hell of an innings; they first began to become a thing maybe 20 years ago, perhaps even more. I know this because back when I was in my late teens and early 20s, friends of mine that were buying their first houses were fully into them. This being at a time when house buying was still in reach of a reasonable number of 20-somethings, albeit I was still a bit confused at how you were supposed to raise a house deposit while also supporting three nights a week getting langered at the local Ritzy on the proceeds of a 40-hour work week, with the answer being, you were not.
Anyway yes, feature walls are as out of date as the idea that anyone under 30 who is also earning under £80k a year can get on the property ladder, or for that matter, be able to afford the paint or paper for a feature wall within it if they did.
Feature walls are over, and if you still have one and want to prove me wrong, pics or it didn’t happen.
